Do you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners who are afraid of commitment?
Ugh it’s so frustrating, right?
How do you keep ending up in the same place relationship after relationship?
I get the frustration, because this used to be my pattern too. The good news is you 100% can break it.
Here are 5 ways to help you stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners who are afraid of commitment and the “real deal”:
1. Uncover your own fears of commitment and receiving lasting love
First things first: When you keep attracting something over and over again, it’s usually a sign that something within you is being reflected back to you.
This is not about blaming or shaming yourself, however.
It’s about recognizing that you don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances. You get to dig deeper below the surface of what seems to be the issue to understand how you got here and why you keep attracting the same types of partners.
Questions to ponder and journal on:
- What fears do I have about commitment? Love? Vulnerability?
- What could dating emotionally unavailable partners be protecting me from?
- Why might I not want an emotionally available partner?
- What might have to change in my life if I start dating someone who is interested in pursuing deeper and more meaningful with me?
- How do I feel about receiving love and support from a committed partner? Why?
Once you understand where you are being the emotionally unavailable one, too, you have the opportunity to re-write those stories and create new ones that support the type of love and partnership you really crave.
How to Love Yourself
Free Self-Love & Mindset Printables:
2. Learn to recognize the unhealthy personality traits and behaviors that “turn you on”
Do you have a “type?” I used to be attracted to narcissistic men. Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time. I found myself drawn to their charm, intellect, and the way they made me feel (at first).
As time wore they’d begin to show a different side: they would slowly start to criticize me in ways that made me want to prove myself and show them that I was worthy and lovable. When they would say or do something that hurt me, they’d tell me I was crazy to feel that way and I must be imagining things.
I became addicted to their approval, and no matter how much it hurt I wanted their attention and love.
I finally had to be honest with myself when I kept attracting the same type of man into my life. I was the common denominator after all! I realized that I was attracted to behaviors and personality traits that weren’t healthy. I had to stop going after a “type” and also stop pushing away the good guys.
When you have a “type,” it’s often because it subconsciously feels familiar. Familiar to your brain feels right, but if what you’ve been through in past relationships hasn’t been healthy then it’s probably not what you want to be feeling when choosing the right partner for you.
Challenge yourself to date different types of people. Go against your natural instincts if even for just a little while and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised!
What I found in my own experience was that as I became aware of those unhealthy personality traits and behaviors that had reeled me in in the past, seeing them in a man became an instant turn-off rather than an immediate turn-on.
3. Do a post-mortem for your most recent relationships to help you stop repeating past mistakes
A post-mortem sounds kinda morbid or creepy, but trust me it’s not! Doing a post-mortem after a relationship helps you to pull out the important things you learned about what you want and don’t want in the future.
It also helps for you to acknowledge some areas where you’d personally like to grow and improve how you show up in relationship.
Every relationship has something to teach you. When you learn the lesson, you don’t have to repeat it with someone else. Thank God, right?
To do a post-mortem ask yourself the following questions:
- What felt good about this relationship? Why?
- What didn’t feel so good? Why?
- What was my role in the ending of this relationship?
- What was their role?
- What did I learn about myself and about relationships by dating this person?
- What did I learn about what I want in future relationships?
- What did I learn about what I don’t want in future relationships?
- If I was to boil this relationship down to one major theme or lesson learned what would it be and why?
- If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, what would I have done differently?
Once you’ve journaled on these questions, you’ll have a lot more closure around the ending of your relationship. You’ll also be a lot more clear on what you need and desire moving forward.
4. Write a list of healthy behaviors and personality traits you desire in your next partner
This is the fun part! Yay!
You’ve probably seen this advice before, but I want to invite you to approach it from a new, healthier perspective.
Now that you know what’s been holding you back from emotionally available and healthy, committed relationships (up until now), you can draw a line in the sand and declare what you will or will not tolerate in the future.
What are the non-negotiable traits and characteristics you desire in a partner?
What are the fun “would be nice to have” negotiable traits and characteristics you’d like to have in a partner?
Have some fun with this, and don’t be afraid to really go for what you want. Don’t forget to write “this or something better” at the end, because sometimes what you think is possible is not quite how good it could actually be.
5. Embody what you desire in a partner.
For each item on your list from above ask yourself, “do I embody that?” If not, that’s your opportunity to work on yourself and become a match for true, lasting love.
To attract, you must be. That means learning from the past and healing your own fear of commitment and emotional availability.
It also means showing up as the highest version of yourself. Don’t worry though, this doesn’t mean you need to be perfect to attract true love.
Being committed to your growth and learning to love yourself will help you naturally become a magnet for all of the things you wrote down on your desires list.
How I Found True Love Through Self-Love
To wrap it all up…
When you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners or the same types of relationship issues, it’s usually a reflection of your own fears and hangups. Take the time to understand yourself on a deep level and why you might be attracting the same thing over and over again.
Let go of your “type” and allow yourself to get turned on by healthy traits and characteristics, not just unhealthy ones that leave you feeling like crap about yourself later on.
Get closure from previous relationships by understanding what you learned about yourself and what you desire in a partner so you don’t have to repeat the same relationship again with someone else.
Create a new list of “turn-ons” and desired traits and characteristics you’d like in your ideal mate.
Embody your list by focusing on your own growth and development. Focus on loving yourself so that you no longer tolerate poor treatment and so that you feel safe receiving love when it does show up for you.
Remember that you aren’t a victim. You are the common denominator, and you get to decide to approach relationships differently. You get to heal, and you get to have what you truly desire in a partner.
You got this!
I’d love to know: What in this post resonated with you?